Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The 99% Game Plan

September 24, 2010 1 comment

Part of being young is being stupid. As a boy growing up in the days of Evel Knievel, I was inspired to more than my fair share. They knew me by name in the ER. I remember one particularly nasty little altercation with the ground. Gravity was involved – as it often is. We had a trampoline in our backyard, and I was getting quite good at a full flip with a half twist. I practiced this over and over. In my mind, I was an Olympic athlete executing a perfect 10. One sunny Saturday, I decided that doing a dismount like the pros do would be just the thing to put the polish on the routine.

I started out by just jumping off the trampoline and landing on the ground with a flourish. I would try to point my toes and give a little wave of the hand, with all the snap an untrained seventh grader could muster. It was pretty pitiful. It really needed some pizazz. I don’t know when the brilliant idea of adding the flip with a half twist to the dismount struck me, but like a space rock hurling from the outer reaches, strike it did. I knew I had to try.

Well, I started practicing these little dismounts. The great thing was that the ground was even a little wet and soft. It really didn’t hurt so much landing. It looked awesome! After ten or so times, my socks were nice and wet and the trampoline was getting wetter with each try.

You know where this is going, don’t you?

The bones in my forearm made two neat, audible snaps… clear as a bell. I can still hear them today. Time slows to a crawl when you’re watching your arm bend into a neat little right angle between your elbow and wrist!

My bright idea turned out to be less than stellar. There were a lot of places I could have stopped this little event from happening. Let’s list some:

  • Don’t buy a trampoline
  • Don’t do dismounts without a spotter
  • Don’t do dismounts at all
  • Stop if the ground is wet
  • Use pads on the ground
  • Go watch TV instead
  • Be really, really skilled in falling so I can avoid breaking my arm

There were so many better boundaries that I could have put in place. By doing this crazy flip off the trampoline, I was just setting myself up for a potentially life changing injury. I was relying on my skill in the latest of moments to avert disaster.

Somehow, we think that the place to put the boundary is where our toes are right up against the line between sanity and sin, when we’re struggling to stay on the sanity side of the line.

We let all these thoughts rattle in our heads… Fantasies that inspire acting out. Desires that sooth the pain and hurt from years past. Eyes that roam. We decide that if we ever find ourselves at that certain website, or in the park, or going to lunch with that woman in accounting, or face to face with a prostitute, that we would run. If those are our only boundaries then we are kidding ourselves.

Putting our only boundaries at the end game is creating a 99% failure plan. It’s the Hail Mary play – a desperate plan in a desperate moment almost certain to fail in the long run. It’s like jumping from an airplane with no parachute with the plan of finding a soft spot to land. The reality is that temptation starts as a small seed – a little 1% thought. It’s tiny but can grow to immense tragedy in our lives.

Next article – Drastically increase your chances for success – the 1% rule.


Sexual Purity Bingo!

July 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Have you discovered Sexual Purity Bingo yet? I’ll bet you have and just don’t know it. If you know me you know that I really like chance. I like to let it all hang out. I find that the best way to get good results in the world is to be free and easy, go with the flow and let the universe bring me good things.

Why go to meetings, meet with accountability partners, set up and keep boundaries and even be honest? I know that I could do these things but isn’t attending meetings an inconvenience? Who has time for accountability anyway? The other guy probably has problems too. And whats with that messy honesty thing? Anyway, who wants to tell others the deep stuff? And boundaries, what’s that about? Come on…God has given us freedom right?

Play Sexual Purity Bingo instead!

Like mold, this problem grows in darkness. Isolating yourself works to help keep you from admitting a problem. It also helps to keep you from learning from others about healthy ways to recover.

All you do is go with the flow. Don’t plan ahead. Tear down your boundaries. Live for the moment! Don’t be honest. Don’t meet with others. All that stuff is such a waste of time and really takes the fun of slips and relapses out of my life.

Consider the prizes if you win!! Loss of relationships. Twisted thinking. Fetishes. Serious incurable illness or death! Divorce. Losing your job! Disgrace for you and your family! Distance from your kids! Living all alone! Always feeling unsatisfied. Grand prize winners could win an all expenses paid stay at a Federal grand resort for years AND a place on the community website list recognizing their accomplishment!

Here’s the rules. Print out the card below. Don’t take any action to deal with your issues. Withdraw from any relationship that confronts you to change for the better. Be patient and self centered. With a little luck you’ll be crying “BINGO” in no time!

By the way…if your game is too slow try this. Look around and give yourself a square every time you see one of these things on TV, magazines or in someone else’s life, especially celebrities. Being a part of the culture always speeds the game up. Anyway, you don’t want to miss out on the fun do you? Print out your card and get with it!

Not responsible for people actually taking this really terrible, awful, lame advice. If you see these issues in your own life please seek help. Sexual sin is no laughing matter that causes terrible human wreckage. You can contact us at and we’ll see if we can point you in the right direction.
Categories: General, Humor